trente-trois: chez moi.

Back home for the summer, finally.

It is insane though, how fast the past year has gone. I really didn't expect it, but all of a sudden I'm back where I started, back in Burnley, back to trying to find a job and trying to read as much as I can whilst I have the time. I have no idea how I got here and how I survived, but all I'm hoping at the moment is that I really have survived, i.e. that I've passed my first year of university. I'll get my results on Wednesday afternoon, but as I'm at home that means I'm going to have to ring my university and have a very awkward phone call. Mind you, it's much better this way rather than being stuck in my lonely room on campus with nothing to do and missing family and friends and Martin too much. Staying there for another two weeks was completely pointless, and besides I can do so much more at home, even though I do still feel slightly useless here currently. And I'm starting to worry again about my inability to spend a long period in France this summer, unlike quite a few of the people on my course who will be working abroad and speaking French frequently... there's not much I can do about it now but I'm just anxious that my French is going to be terrible when I return for my second year, something which I'm trying not to think about right not, even though I'm not as apprehensive as I was before. I think once I have my results and know where I stand, I will feel so much better.

However, I really am enjoying being back at home. Yesterday Martin and I went to Blackpool, because it's been majorly hot here recently, and it felt great to just be able to relax and not worry about exams or revision or laundry or any of the other things which are daily concerns of my university life. Sometimes I worry that I should have been having the time of my life (as everyone seems to put it) at uni, but that cliche can't apply to everyone, can it? Surely the fact that I'm getting a degree in order to have a better life in the future is enough? Though I can't deny that towards the end of this academic year, I really started to settle in and actually began enjoying the whole experience... the fact is that I'm too sensitive and too much of a worrier and my anxieties often just get in the way of things. The fact is that I can't really change that.